I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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