so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
