i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
