im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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