twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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