last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I fill condoms, not promises.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
