I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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