I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
