my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You made out with two different species that night
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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