I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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