i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
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