I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
