she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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