So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
