i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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