Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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