On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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