i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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