Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
