So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
