I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
