i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
