I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
