my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
ttyl tear gas
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
