I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
