bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
