I think I died a long time ago.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
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