nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
