i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Two words: blizzard sex
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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