You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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