If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
