if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
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