In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
