Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
