meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
