Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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