Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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