I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
