I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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