Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize