I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
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