A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize