just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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