Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
where am i from again
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
