so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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