i already hear my dad disowning me
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
