Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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