oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
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