I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
