the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
