Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
