I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
