So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
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