is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
it hurts more in the daytime
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Of course I have a pirate flag
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize