Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
