my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
i think i just lost a toe
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
