it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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