She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
