I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
