he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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