Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
