he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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